"Great, so now we can make plans for Xmas!" said Magnolia. They were all in the greenhouse again, breakfast reduced to a stack of dirty dishes on the picnic table. Everyone sat in an informal semi-circle, in what Harry was beginning to recognize as their usual spots. Cid and Magnolia side by side on a lounge chair, Rose at the picnic table, Tumcari at the bank of the pond, of course, and Antonin and Harry on the bank of the pond between Tumcari and Magnolia. They'd gone over the details of the plan, and Magnolia had contacted Becca about getting a rocket-launcher to take out his dad's microjet. It was going to take a few days, so they'd have to do it on the last day of vacation.
Harry was startled. "You guys do Christmas?"
Rose nodded grimly.
"Oh yes," said Tumcari. "Magnolia insists upon it."
Magnolia shrugged and nodded, looking bashful and yet supremely satisfied.
Rose rolled her eyes. "We're not even Christians," she complained.
"So what? It's fun," said Cid. "Besides, Mag likes it." She wrapped an arm around Magnolia and pulled her close. "They didn't have much when she was growing up," she added to Harry.
Magnolia, her head resting on Cid's shoulder, gave a little defiant lift of her chin. "We did our bit. Sometimes my sister Doralee carved a turkey out of government cheese, and one year my brother Albert roasted chestnuts on the carburetor of a stolen Chevy."
"Yeah, yeah, you were poor. We know," said Rose. "At least you weren't stuck in some brothel in Bangkok where nobody gave a shit about Christmas but the rich fat American tourists who flew there to fuck little girls and boys. We used to have to dress up like elves, and say a bunch of stupid crap about having something special for them from Santa in our box. I hated Christmas."
"Oh here we go again," said Magnolia.
"You know, it's been a long time since we've played Agony Sweepstakes," said Tumcari. "Let's have a round now, shall we?"
"Oh, not that awful game!" cried Rose.
"What do you mean, you play it all the time," said Magnolia. "You just don't like it when we do it officially."
"What's agony sweepstakes?" asked Harry.
"Everybody takes turns telling the worst thing that ever happened to them, then we decide who has the worst story, and they win," said Antonin.
"Win?"
"Yeah, they get a prize."
Rose groaned. Magnolia grinned.
"What's the prize?"
Antonin glanced at Tumcari. "We sing them a song."
"I'll start," said Tumcari. "I grew out of a plant called the nymphaea matera, which was created by a scientist who was trying to make sentient, plant-based life. Because I don't have any legs, I'm trapped in this pond for life. I was the subject of numerous experiments, some of them painful. In a rage, one day, I severed the taproot of the nymphaea matera, my mother. Now there will never be another such as I." Tumcari placed on hand over his forehead in a gesture of mock drama, but everyone else was silent for a moment. He made light of it, but it was pretty terrible, Harry thought. Antonin reached out and patted Tumcari on the shoulder and Tumcari gathered him in for a hug.
"I died," said Cid.
"That's it?" said Rose. "But you came back."
Cid didn't answer.
"You're out of order," Magnolia told Rose, "It's against the rules to question anyone's story until the bidding starts. I'll go next. My mother was an alcoholic baby factory, and my dad was a selfish kid who only thought of himself, who hit us kids whenever we got in his way, and who eventually left us when we got to be too much of a pain in the ass. I've been a drug dealer and a part-time hooker, I've killed more men than I want to think about and I never knew love until I met Cid when I was sixteen. The worst thing that ever happened to me was seeing her die."
She said it all so matter of factly, as if it were no big deal, but all the same, Harry found himself staring at the ground, blushing. How could that not be a big deal? He thought about what she said about the men she'd killed, and he wondered what it meant to her, what he was asking her to do.
Harry glanced up and saw Cid leaning against Magnolia, stroking the side of her face with one hand. Magnolia closed her eyes, and turned her head and kissed the palm of Cid's hand. Then she opened her eyes again and saw Harry watching. She shrugged and gave him the funniest little wistful smile.
Harry cast a glance at Antonin, who, like the others, looked somber but not freaked out. This game was normal by their standards. For the first time in his life, Harry considered the possibility that other people might be weirder than he was.
"Your turn, Rose," said Magnolia.
She huffed. "Why do I have to say it? Everybody's already heard it a hundred times. Okay, I get it, already. I shouldn't talk about bad things that have happened to me. Fine. I won't. I'll never mention it again."
"That's not the point," said Tumcari.
"What is the point, then? What is the point of this stupid game? Just to embarrass me? That's it, isn't it?"
Tumcari shook his head. "The point is that when we play, you don't want to win."
Rose looked away. She huffed again, but then she rolled her eyes, and in a sing-song voice, she began, "My parents sold me into prostitution when I was fourteen and for five years I worked in a brothel that was little more than a rape camp. They chained us to the beds to keep us from running away. I was a heroin addict by the time I was fifteen, and I've had six abortions." She paused, and then, in a more normal tone of voice, added, "The worst part was the anal sex. Nothing else hurts like that. Which reminds me." She pointed a finger at Harry and leveled her gaze at him. "If you hurt my son, I'll kill you, do you understand?"
"Mom!" shouted Antonin.
Harry blinked and felt himself go red all over. "I-- we haven't-- I--"
Magnolia laughed out loud, and Cid looked like she was trying not to. Tumcari stared at Rose and shook his head.
But Rose was undaunted. "Unless Antonin's on top," she continued, aiming her finger at Antonin, "and in that case, you'd better use a condom, mister."
"Mo-om!" Antonin jumped to his feet. "Okay, this is it. This is my entry in the sweepstakes. The worst thing that ever happened to me is happening right now."
"Which is why you'll never win," said Rose.
"I don't want to win," he retorted.
Tumcari looked at him.
"I don't," protested Antonin.
Tumcari shook his head but kept staring at him.
"Okay," Antonin relented, sitting back down again. "Besides this, the worst thing that ever happened to me was being held at gunpoint by my father, who was also threatening to kill my mom at the time. But I'm not sure." He gave his mother a dark look. "I still think this is worse."
Everyone stared at Harry. Harry stared at his hands, folded in his lap.
"That's okay, Harry," said Cid. "You don’t have to play."
"What?" said Rose. "That's against the rules. He listened to our stories. Now he has to tell us his."
"He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do," said Cid.
"Th-that's okay," said Harry emboldened by the realization that he was not going to win. "I'll play." He looked up. "But you already know what I'm going to say. My dad killed my mom. I was six when it happened. That's it."
Antonin stared at him. Harry gave him a puzzled look. Antonin widened his eyes.
"You're dangerously close to breaking the rules, Antonin," warned Tumcari.
"Look who's talking," said Antonin.
"Oh, oh the security guards," said Harry. "Yeah, but that's just when I try to kill him, so it's not really, you know, abuse or anything." He paused. "They beat me down and then tie me up to the drainpipe of the sink in the utility room and leave me there, alone in the dark. It sucks." He looked around at everyone. All of them, including Rose, gave him little nods of agreement. Not pitying, commiserating. Like it was neither his fault, nor something that made him a pathetic victim. It was just something that happened. He took a deep breath, and exhaled.
"That's terrible Harry," said Rose. "I think you should win."
"Nah, yours is still the worst," Magnolia told her.
"Only because you cheat!" Rose leaned forward. "You leave so much out of yours! You had a horrible life and you know it! You don't even bring up the poverty, the cold, all your baby brothers and sisters that died. You don't even mention Manus!"
"Ah, now the arguments begin," said Antonin with relish.
"What about you?" countered Magnolia. "You didn't even say anything about Antonin getting kidnapped. Or about Kelira. Come on."
"Well what about Tumcari?" said Rose.
"You're changing the subject," said Tumcari.
"No I'm not. The subject is who has the worst story, and if it's not Harry, or Magnolia, then it has to be you. You always get overlooked but in your own words, you killed your mother. And you're the only one of your kind, confined for all eternity to a tiny pond under a bubble of glass in Polish Siberia. It's a wonder the boredom and loneliness haven't driven you mad years ago. Maybe they have."
"She makes a good case," said Cid.
"No," said Antonin, "It should be Harry."
"I agree," said Tumari. "Harry or Cid. After all, she died. Isn't that the worst thing that can happen to anybody?"
"But I came back," said Cid plaintively. "Let's give it to Harry, he's never had it before."
"I don't want it," said Harry.
"No one ever wants it," said Rose. "But I'll be damned if I'm going to get it again. By all rights it should be Magnolia's, but I don't know Harry, your story's pretty bad too"
"Then that settles it. Harry wins," said Antonin.
They all stared at him. They were smiling -- even Rose -- but in a way that he found far from reassuring. They converged on him.
His heart beat faster. Still seated, Harry leaned back, but there was nowhere to go except into the pond, and then he felt Tumcari's hands on his shoulders, steadying him or perhaps ensuring that he didn't run away. The others crept forward, sitting in a tight circle around him. He wasn't used to so many people up close like this -- not for anything good. His breath came rapidly and he felt sweat breaking out all over his body.
The others sang:
"Congratulations, you have won.
Your sweepstakes story's number one.
The very worst thing we've ever heard,
But look at you! See, you endured!"
"We'd like to make it up to you.
So when you're finished feeling blue,
We'll hold you down and tickle you,
Until you laugh or 'til you puke."
Harry laughed. That wasn't so bad. He tried to get up and move away, nodding in acceptance of his prize, but they weren't finished. They were all leaning in toward him on their hands and knees, like a pack of wolves, circling. And they were all grinning. "Now, the tickling," said Antonin.
Harry froze. They were serious about that? He couldn't-- He felt like Banks, Connor and the others were closing in on him. "No!"
They sat back immediately, looking sheepish.
"Sorry, duh," said Cid, and the others nodded.
"See, stupid game," said Rose. She looked at Harry, "Don't worry, I don't let them do that to me either."
Harry took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He was so embarrassed he was shaking. He couldn't look at anybody. He looked down at his knees. He felt like he was teetering on the edge of something and that was why he was shaking.
"Sorry," said Tumcari. "Didn't mean to..."
Suddenly Harry was really mad. Not at them, but at his father and his fucking security guards for making him too scared of being surrounded to play the game. His mother used to tickle him and it had been fun, then. He really wanted to be able to let them tickle him now. His face was hot all of a sudden and the gravel he was staring at started to smear and waver. Great. Tears again. Wonderful.
He could feel Antonin beside him, about a foot away. Probably afraid to touch him now. No. Harry couldn't have that. He slid next to Antonin him and leaned on him. It wasn't that he didn't want them to touch him. It was just that it had been so long since...
Antonin put an arm around him and Harry closed his eyes. He'd fallen off whatever it was he'd been teetering on. He put his other arm around Antonin's opposite shoulder and hid his face between his arm and Antonin's chest. He breathed again.
"It's okay, Harry," said Cid.
And it was. Harry took another deep breath. He was surrounded by people who had done nothing since he'd met them but help him and believe him. A laugh bubbled out of him, as unexpected to him as it seemed to be a relief to everyone else. He sat up again and they were all smiling at him. "Thanks, everyone," he said, glancing down and wiping at his nose. "This was a very nice prize. I really appreciate it."
"Oh who says we're done?" said Antonin, poking his fingers into Harry's side, just below his ribs.
Harry's side spasmed involutarily and he laughed harder. He rolled away from Antonin but Cid got hold of his foot. She pulled his sock off. He was giggling and he couldn’t stop. Her finger tips on the sole of his foot were almost too much and he started to thrash, helplessly delighted as the green palm fronds raced back and forth across the brief blue sky.
#
Harry sat on the couch in the white room with his cell phone in his hand. Antonin was on one side of him and Cid on the other, both of them pressed up against him, their arms around his shoulders. It was time for him to check in with the Old Man.
His hands were damp with sweat, his fingers leaving little patches of fog on the protective plastic that covered the keypad. He hit send and raised the phone to his ear.
Two rings, and then his father's voice. "Well?"
"I uh, I don't have it yet."
"But she's there now?"
The knowledge that he was about to try misleading the Old Man made his stomach twist. Antonin squeezed is arm and Cid ruffled the hair on the back of his head. "Y-yeah, and I'm doing like you said, with the childhood thing. It's working. I think she's beginning to trust me. Another couple of days and I should--"
"Oh, in other words, you're going try to drag this out until the end of your vacation break. You know what's at stake here. If you want to keep making kissy faces with your little friend Antonin -- or have you already fucked him and you're bored now and you don't give a shit if he lives or dies?"
"No! No, that's not it. I'm working on it. I really am. Listen, I- I told her I'm flunking science, and that you're going to make me come home if I do, for good this time. So she's been showing me around her laboratory, explaining all the equipment in there and what it does. I know I can get her to tell me about the virus too, I just need a litte more time."
"Yeah, well don't bother me again unless you have good news. And you'd better have good news soon." He hung up.
Harry closed his eyes and shut the phone. He was shaking. Antonin and Cid hugged him tighter. Cid pressed a kiss to the back of his neck and Antonin placed his hand over Harry's heart and rubbed. "It's going to be okay," said Antonin.
Harry shook his head. "What if he decides not to wait? What if he decides to do something else?" He turned to Cid. "Maybe it would be better if you just gave me the formula."
Cid sighed and gave him a sad look. "I can't do that."
Harry looked down. Antonin's hand had knotted in the front of his T-shirt. "Because you can't let someone like him have it?"
"Yes," said Cid, "and because giving it to him would mean letting you go back to him."
Harry looked at her. "That doesn't matter."
"Stop it," said Antonin.
"He's right," said Cid. "It does matter."
"You're just freaking out," said Antonin. "It’s going to be okay. The rocket launcher will be here any day now. Magnolia's going to pick it up along with the Christmas presents."
"But what if you guys get caught?"
"The wreckage will be disposed of, and the snow will take care of the rest. People disappear out here all the time, Harry."
"But it'll be so near here," said Harry.
"Nobody knows we're here. No one but Becca, and you." She gave him a little smile. "And we trust both of you."
"That's why everything is delivered to Tarko Sale?"
She nodded. "It's a big house, but it's tiny compared to the rest of Siberia."
#
Three days later, the greenhouse was a tropical Yuletide wonderland. Colored lights hung in the bouganvillea, tinsel festooned the palm trees, and the picnic table was piled high with colorful wrapped presents.
Harry stared at all the different shapes and sizes of boxes on the table, and his breath caught. Those were not Executive Cheese and Sausage Snack Kits, though the five he had ordered on Antonin's laptop were among them, in their characteristic red and green striped oblong boxes.
Though everyone had insisted that he didn't need to get them gifts, he'd wanted to. And he'd wanted them to be real, proper gifts, which was why he went right to the Higi's website and ordered the same thing his father always gave. Now, the notion that he'd miscalculated slowly insinuated itself in the pit of his stomach.
"Here, Harry, this is for you," said Antinin, handing him a slim, flexible rectangle covered in silver foil. Definitely not a Cheese and Sausage Snack Kit. He undid the wrapping.
"Captain Crustacean and the Venezuelan Lobster Battle," read the title of the comic. It featured a drawing of Harry in a Captain Invincible costume, only instead of an I in the center of his chest, it was a C. He clutched a lobster in one hand, poised to throw it, and he was surrounded by a yellow and orange glow. In the foreground were several dinner guests staring at him in shock.
Harry laughed out loud. "Cool." He leaning closer to Antonin. "You drew this yourself?"
"Yeah," said Antonin, looking at him with his eyes shining so that Harry had to look down at the comic again. He felt his face go red. "Wow! Thanks. This is really cool!" He started to read it, but he only got through a page or two before Tumcari loudly demanded that Harry open his gift next. It wasn't a Cheese and Sausage Snack Kit either. It was a Chiron action figure. Harry stared at his neon green and purple outfit, overwhelmed. "Thank you," he said.
"You bet, Harry. Happy Christmas."
"Magnolia, you open something now," said Cid.
"Okay," said Magnolia.
"Open mine," said Rose, handing Magnolia a large box. Magnolia sat down cross-legged on the patio and tore the paper off. She lifted the lid of the box. "Oh. Oh Rose, thank you." She pulled out a bulky, black vest. "It's a bullet-proof vest. Thank you." She gave Rose a hug.
"It's the new Deflex 6000. It got five stars from Jane's."
"I'm sure its great," said Magnolia.
"Try it on," said Rose.
Magnolia looked down at herself. Like the rest of them, she was still in her pjs; sweats and a T-shirt. Only she had a shoulder holster on over the T-shirt, with a large black gun in it. Harry had noticed her carrying it ever since he told them the news about his dad and the virus. "Now?" she asked.
"Yes!" Rose insisted. "How else will we know if it fits. Try it on."
Magnolia shrugged and stood up. She took off her holster and handed it to Cid while she put on the vest. Cid helped her zip it up the back. "Fits perfect," she said, standing and waving her arms around. "In fact, it's really comfortable. I hardly even know I'm wearing it."
Rose nodded with satisfaction. "And it has a built-in holster in the small of the back, your favorite spot."
Magnolia took her gun from Cid and slid it into the pocket in the back of the vest. With her back to the rest of them she tested pulling her gun a couple of times, nodded in approval and sat down again.
None of the gifts Harry was given -- a warm sweater from Cid, a Pathetic Remains mp3 from Magnolia, and most surprisingly of all, a bright orange down parka from Rose -- were Executive Cheese and Sausage Snack Kits. Nor were any of the gifts the Wotroyans gave each other. Finally, all that was left on the picnic table were five identical red and green striped boxes.
God damn it. What had he been thinking? What on earth would lead him to believe that anything the Old Man ever did was normal?
"What are these?" said Cid.
"I don't know," said Magnolia. "But they were addressed to our P.O. box in Tarko Sale."
Everyone stared at him.
"They're from me," he said reluctantly. "But you don't have to open them now."
They all looked at him like he was mad.
Antonin hopped up and started passing out the boxes.
"I want to open mine first," said Cid, and she did, tearing the paper away and opening the box. "Oh wow," she said, "It's an Excutive Sausage and Cheese Snack Kit! Cool! My folks used to get one of these every year from their broker. Hey, we can have it for appetizers later. See, it comes with a cutting board and a knife, so you're all set!"
One by one they opened their gifts, variously making yummy noises over the cheese and sausage logs and expounding on the beauty of the cutting board, the cheese knife and the gold plated chain which connected the cheese knife to the board.
"I just thought," the explanation was tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop it. "My dad gives these to everybody. I just thought that was what you did. I didn't know--" that normal people gave thought to the likes and needs of the recipient, and actually selected a gift for that person, individually.
"He gives you one too?" said Antonin. The 'and that's all?' was silent.
Harry nodded. "I've got a closet full of the things at home. I'm sorry. This was so stupid. You don't want these." He reached forward to take Magnolia's back. Maybe he could mail them all presents, when he got back to school. He'd pick each one out individually.
"Oh, you're not taking mine," said Magnolia, clutching it posessively. "I've got big plans for this. Look." And she wrapped the chain around her neck and hooked the cheese knife into its holder, so the cutting board dangled around her neck like a parody of gansta bling. "This is the shit," she assured him.
"I'm going to make sculptures out of mine," said Tumcari, placing the logs on end on the cutting board and beginning to carve.
"Well, I don't know what's wrong with the rest of you," said Rose. "I think this is a very practical gift. You can't lose the knife! I'm keeping mine in the kitchen, where I won't have to worry about someone stealing the only good knife." She glared at Magnolia.
Harry swallowed. Did the goodness of these people know any bounds at all? They knew he'd been sent here to steal Cid's virus, and they didn't care. It was his fault Antonin was under threat, but instead of blaming him and throwing him out they'd figured out a plan for killing the Old Man. They'd included him in all their weird family rituals and now, on top of everything else, they were doing their level best to make him feel better about his stupid gift choice. Harry had never been so happy in his life.
"What's that sound?" said Tumcari, suddenly looking up.
"Helicopters," said Magnolia, and Harry became aware of a thwup-thwup-thwup sound, distant but getting louder by the second.
"No, I hear something else," said Tumcari.
All the glass in the greenhouse exploded.
Copyright © 2009 by Anne Harris
Yeah, you just never know when a bullet proof vest will come in handy, do you?
Does anybody die? You'll have to wait until next week to find out!
Posted by: Jessica Freely | March 08, 2010 at 02:39 PM
I had a feeling that bullet proof vest might come in handy. Hopefully no one dies - at least not of the people in the greenhouse.
Posted by: Jirel | March 06, 2010 at 12:26 AM